Too sudden.

Everyday he would arrive by the lift lobby with his bicycle, smiling while setting up the footrest for me. He would never fail to surprise me with new toys in the front basket. Somedays these gifts were so huge they jut out from the basket. He always prevents me from taking a good look at the gifts he bought until i ate my lunch which was either homemade mee sua he prepared or nestle cereal with cheese cube. Days like these passed by too quickly. 

He bought me my first bicycle and taught me how to cycle that mysterious two wheeled machine which didn't made sense to me how it will balance. Excited, i took my cool bicycle out to the corridor and took flight. He watched me struggle, he watch me struggle from keeping my bicycle going straight and watch how i picked myself up when i fell. At time when he thinks i'm about to give up he'd encourage me, he held my seat and guide me and i peddle. In the late evening the same day i told him i was ready and let me at it downstairs where space was an abundance. Because of the high difficultly the tight corridor gave me while i practiced my cycling, cycling downstairs was a breeze. Until now, cycling is my favorite sport. I'd never forget how i was introduced to bicycles and how i took my first step to the peddles of one. 

Back then, me and brothers had to have his to supervise us where ever and when ever we head out else out parents will not give us the greens to going out for a cycle. Therefore, we'd always call him and bug him to bring us out to cycle by the beach. The beach we cycle was by Kallang waters and it was to the direction of the Esplanade. We'd cycle from Golden Mile where he lived to the Esplanade to have ice cream from an uncle selling them with this Wall's motorbike. My brothers and i would always bargain for 5 more minutes whenever he said it was time to go home, of course he said yes.

I remembered how my mother told me that when she was still a little girl he hated the english language and never liked hear a single english word while he was home. However, he tried to speak to us in english and always learn new words whenever my brothers and i chatted away in english. His grammer was atrocious and his pronunciation was hilarious, we all laughed at how english language could sound so funny, including himself :) He learnt and spoke the language he once hated so much just to communicate and bond with us. 

As we grew older and started out primary education he'd still pick us up everyday after school without fail. Everyday he'd be there outside Hong Wen School's front gate, rushing us home to bathe and have our meal. He will occasionally buy us Lo Mai Kai, Siew Mai and Char Siew Bao to eat if our maid did not cook. Because our pocket money was only $1 per day we did not have enough to buy candies and stuff. (Yes, its a dollar a day. Noodles only cost 50cents.) He will give us extra to buy what causes harm to our gums and teeth. Basically, he was always there for us. There was once where i was going for a mountain climbing trip in Kota Malaysia with my primary school. i did not bring the consent form and i was about to be kicked out so that our team will not miss the flight. Then he came. Like any other time when i am helpless and lost, he came. He came just to wish me Bon Voyage but then he did more than that. My teacher passed him a new consent form and he signed it for me. I was so thankful, so so thankful. Boarded the bus waved goodbye through a sheet of glass. He was always there. At time when i did wrong and my dad was punishing me with the cane, he would magically appear and talk to my father out of punishing me with his higher status. He was my guardian angel. Constantly looking out for us. Me and my brothers.

As we grew even older and enter secondary school and poly level. We drifted drastically. Our secondary school and polytechnic were way too far for his bicycle to reach. Our time spent decline. a steep decline. There were no time for cycling to the Esplanade and no opportunity to even bargain for 5 more minutes. It was school, home and school again. Only once in a fucking blue moon he'd cook dinner. His culinary skills were superb. He knew all dishes. Every dish made it to my favorite. When he first met Ashley he gave us his blessing but on the other hand worried. He wanted to give me relationship advice but he never knew the right words. He called his only son over to my house and talk to me about how to balance school with relationships. He was really thoughtful and caring. Because of the lack of time spent he did not know what were our hobbies and what we liked. Money then became the way he show us his love. Whenever he had extra saving from the money he gets monthly from my aunt and uncles or winning the lottery he would chuck a couple of dollars on our tables under either staplers, wallets or whatever he could find that was on our table. All four of us had a share. All equal. All he talks or ask about were whether or not we have eaten or whether or not everyone was back. It was our only communication now. So much difference compared the cycling and the playing @ the playground. Too much. 

The changed was acknowledge by us. We then fork out time and money and brought him to places we use to go when we were younger. We brought him to have his favorite bah kut teh located @ chinatown's market. We brought him here because he always treat us to bah kut teh. He always ordered the fattest pig trotters and raw fish. As for the fish it's each a plate because we will fight over the the fish. When it was our turn for the treat, we did the same. However the fish stall was gone. The aunty was too old to work and we never heard about her anymore. Nevertheless we enjoyed the meal, he was extremely happy and was boasting around like how we treated him. We did this only twice or trice. But hey, at least we did it. He was so happy. We never knew a simple $50 breakfast could have him so joyful. Times like these are hard to come by. Having all of our free time synced is really a rare happening. After the meal we"d go to OG which is nearby and just window shop with him. Yes. Pureness joy. Time was ticking but none of us knew. He used to come up to our house and cook up some dishes with our ingredients, he used to. He used to have dinner together with us whenever we came back from school, he used to. The key words: "used to be". More changes were occurring and adding up. Even the phone calls that asked about our whereabouts and the status of our meal intake was gone. Him coming up to our house was rarer than ever. He started to borrow money from us. Something that he will never do in the past because he feel that as an elder he should be giving instead of taking. We still could tell he felt embarrass when he asked for money. Whenever he did ask for money from us, its always small amounts, like $10 or $20. Never did we hesitate on giving him more cash for expenses, we always give him what he asked or even more if we had extra. The value of money dropped to nil whenever he asked for it. I can recall the exact facial expression on his face before he pops the questions asking for cash. He would talk about things we'd never talked about before asking. There was this one time where i was doing my work with my phone by my side. He stroked a conversation. A conversation about what phone was i using and that it looks cool. I knew he needed cash at that time, i did not want him to go through the tough moment of asking therefore i asked if he needed and gave him. He said "is ok" and reluctantly pushes the money away. He took it anyways. Im glad he did. 

He was our guardian angel from the day we were born. Fed us. Took care of us. He was a huge huge part of our life, my brothers and mine. Despite the changes and the sudden lack of communication, he was always in our heart.

"He" that i've been talking about is my beloved grandfather who passed yesterday, 13 of June 2237.

It's the suddenness that hit the hardest.

I was at camp that was ending around 9PM. Ashley and my brothers came and pick me when it ended. We went to Bugis' Cold Storage to get grapes for chocolate fondue but not by the fire. Bought ice-cream from mac and took a slow walk home from Bugis. It was all laughters and joke. I shared about my camp and just cracked laughters the whole journey home. The time then was about 10++PM. We reached one at 11.10 or so. It was already half an hour after my grandpa's death. We set up the fondue. Finished the food. Chatted with dear Ash for a bit and then the nightmare started. My mom received a call from her uncle. The call informed her that grandpa fainted by the hawker centre which was right by our house. We left. mom, bro, Ash and myself. We walked. Through the car park feeling a little worried for gong gong because he was already so old and fainting is never a good thing for his age, he was 72. Half way through the car park mom receive another call. I do not know what mummy heard but i remember exactly what she said. She said "huh? father passed already? Are you sure?! huh..". Exactly this. Question, question, shocked and then broken. Her voice cracked when she said "are you sure". My brothers and ash heard it too. To me, it was all confusing. I did not know what to believe and what to expect. I cannot believe what i heard. We ran. We sprint right after mummy cracked. We were sprinting. But it was the longest sprint ever in my life. Just before the corner before gong gong, i tried to "wake up", i was hoping i was dreaming. I blinked my eyes hard a couple of time, but things were real. Real as any real shit fuck can get. I told myself that things were really happening. It is really the time. The time we never thought will come so soon and so sudden. I took the left turn. I turned, the only thing i saw was gong gong's ankle downwards. It was pale and a little dirty. I was damn sure that was my grandpa's toes. Definitely was his toes. Then, the heart piercing sight, it was his battery powered bike just inches away, toppled. Gong gong's slippers was in the gutter. Policemen standing around and strangers just looking curiously. This is the sight i will never forget. I can picture the seen right now as i type vividly. Mom went to identify if its gong gong and it was. Mummy covered her mouth, cried and said with her all cracky voice "It is really gong gong ah...". I never seen my mom cried like this before. It was so surreal. We contacted my grandpa's children and they came down not long after. Everyone tried to keep calm and act accordingly. But its too much to take in and my aunts broke are well. They were crying so hard while asking the policemen to let them see their father who was under the white cloth. The policemen agreed. Waited for the car to get gong gong's body, aunt and uncle then made calls for funerals and discussed about stuff before we parted. The time now was 2 almost 3AM.

Shit was real, it was happening and i was too damn confused. I could not accept the fact that gong gong was gone. Like really gone. Disappear. Dead. I just couldn't. All of my recallable memorable since i was born till now flashed. Everything we had done just flashed. All the cycling. All the playing. All the time spent. These moments all seemed too short. The cycling to the Esplanade when we were young seemed like it could have been a little longer, the times we went to eat bak kut teh with him could've occur a few more moments. The 5 more minutes bargained could've been 10. However things may seem or how we may regret. Grandpa is already gone. The cause of death was not known until the next morning after the autopsy. So that night when gong gong passed. We went to his house which was walking distant away to look any medicine he was prescribed so that we can predict the cause of death. While we were at his house, he had our photos pasted on his wall. Not Facebook's wall my friends. Literally the room's wall. The pictures had my brothers, ash , me and my cousins. It's beautiful how we are so dearly loved by him. Ahh... fuck... he went too suddenly. There were three young chinese tenants. We asked them about grandpa. They told me he have been sick the past few days. He have been taking all sorts of medication. This then rings a bell. The cash that he asked for was for the extra expense on doctors fee. My grandpa always keeps things in him. He never shared much about him. Mainly because he do not want us to worry. 

Days before his death, the market aunties told my mom that gong gong suddenly became very thin recently. I celebrated my 18th on the 10th of June but he did not want to come. He told me he was sick and needed to rest. If he would make the celebration, he would have a nice family gathering of all his children and all this grandchildren. He indirectly passed me $20 red packet money for my birthday and told me sorry that he did not make it. Gong gong, i want you to know that everything is okay. Don't ever regret your actions and decisions in life...

Now i have lost my beloved grandpa, its like a huge part of me gone. He used to be always around. Just that day he watched us play soccer at our street soccer cage at near our place. He was just there. He was so alive and well. Its really too sudden. If things would happened differently and grandpa admits to the hospital etc, we will all be more prepared. I really miss him. I am currently at the wake and just tilting my head left and looking at his photograph really hurts me.

I am glad that i have spent the time that we have spent. However i feel that the moments could've been more appreciated and lasted a little longer, i guess this funeral should be a good closure for me and my family. I won't cry when around people, only when im alone when things are quiet and when my mind starts to reflect. I love my grandpa very much. He single handedly brought up 5 to 6 children when he was working. And after he retire, he took care of all of us up till his dying day. I miss you gong. Thank you for everything. Thanks you. Xie Xie. Fuck this, i really miss you. Rest well. 

Thoughts and emotions deep from the a Spartan's heart. 

revvvvv nic